Saturday, June 11, 2011

Breaking Free!

***VERY PERSONAL POST***
Some of my readers may not care to read about abuse or negativity so move on from here.  Thanks dollies <3 

Last night I vented about Chayden.  I knew I'd feel silly about his actions today and I did.  He is just the artistic type and if something involves music or art, he enjoys it.  I just have to find other approaches to his drawing on the walls ... But damn.  I did that too! I feel terrible that I ever yelled at him last night.  Thats never my usual approach.  Lots of kisses from him today made me feel better.  Anyways, this part is besides the point slightly.
I vented on here last night.  I talked about my "mother" calling me this, that, horrible stuff.  Well, this has been going on for YEARS!! And yes, its true.  She has belittled me.  Nobody will know how it feels.  Its called, mental and verbal abuse.  A mother (my mother) abusing a daughter.  My mother has Boarderline Personality Disorder.  She will never admit to it.  She thinks she is perfectly fine.  But, she isn't. I have to free myself from her before I drown.  Our relationship is toxic.  More toxic than ANYBODY will ever understand.  She is evil to me.  My "mother" makes sure I live in hell.  She makes sure that I am in pain.  But guess what ... I am happy!  I am not in pain =] I have the MOST amazing husband and supportive husband in the WORLD!!! I have the best life ... outside of a toxic relationship.  My mother will NOT talk to me.  She has made something so stupid (like me pumping milk for my baby) into a HUGE fight that she was going crazy at and I was just sitting back laughing like, "how could you pick a fight with me about me pumping milk?"  This woman has not said happy birthday to me in YEARS.  This woman has not given me a birthday gift in YEARS.  Why am I sticking around? This woman has NEVER called me to see how Chayden was doing and he is almost 5.  She has NOT came to visit when I had made several attempts to call her and invite her over.
Okay, so this list can go on and on and on.  I talked to someone tonight.  A very special someone tonight that has been in the same exact situation.  I got insight. My mother is toxic.  She logs into facebook and tells the world in her status that, "My daughter Cassondra took my grandkids away!"  Um whoa woman!  Hell to the NO! You as a grandmother has never attempted to be with them.
You guys, I can write a whole 600 page book here about what she has done to me and what she has said to me.  I am done.  I'm cut from her life.  I am walking away and wiping my hands clean from the dust that lingers behind.  I dont' want my babies around this and they are not so far.  I have so much to say but my readers didn't subscribe to read about mental and verbal abuse (totally NOT one of my passions. "hardy har har" ...).  This special person I talked to today has a blog about their situation and since I love writing so much, I may make another blog just about my experiences.  I think it'll help me cope and be set free?  Or maybe it'll let me re-live my situation and I'll keep drowning.
I am on a hunt right now for more info on good books that deal with mothers verbally and mentally abusing their daughters.  I have some suggestions but they all seem to be like a Man Abusing a Wife.  I don't think that's fair and that'll be hard for me to read because that's not my situation.
I have tried to quit this game years ago but me, as a daughter, kept going back and getting even more hateful things tossed at me.  My poor husband was told that he was a manipulative person and he is NOT.
Oh God. I think I need to talk to my pastor tomorrow and sit down with him.  Talk about what it says in the bible about all of this.  What his spiritual suggestion is as well ..
But talking to that special person today and venting on my blog makes me feel like I'm doing the right steps towards freedom <3
There is a lesson in all of this.
I WILL NEVER EVER TREAT MY CHILDREN THE WAY MY MOTHER HAS TREATED ME.
I will treat them with love, respect, kindness, caring, gentleness, ... basically following the fruits of the spirit. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness & self control.  -Galatians 5:22-23 (okay. i totally memorized that 15 years ago in bible camp! it has a kickin' song that goes with it ...)
So, if any of my readers have ever been in a similar situation, I would love insight from you as well.  Shoot me an email at muloove at yahoo dot com.  I don't feel like doing a crazy linky on the email.  Just forgive me this time.  Copy + paste.
I'm sorry if this was uncomfortable to read.  But I think I'm trying to reach out for more support.

4 comments:

  1. so glad you found the courage to cut her off, good for you!

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  2. It needs to be done =] For the health and sanity of myself and kids

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  3. Its good your breaking free. Even as a parent and child sometimes they can just never get along. Never have never will. Hopefully this will open more insight to her about what she is missing and how she should attempt to change things before her hour glass is up.

    If not to you but to your child.

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  4. Thanks Mie <3 I had stopped talking to her officially when my youngest was 2 weeks old in November. Since then, I have felt good and relieved about it but still felt guilty. especially since I was told that GOD will hate me if I stopped talking to my mother. I was confused and had to talk to somebody and I now feel blessed, free, relieved and I know I am doing the right thing by erasing everything for sure =] Its sad it came down to this and maybe one day she'll apologize for all her terrible words all throughout my life. but until then, I am going to happily and thoroughly enjoy my little family who actually knows how to LOVE <3

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