Friday, June 10, 2011

Drowning in a numbing rant

I don't know why I'm feeling this way.  I'm typically happy and upbeat, wild / crazy.  But not tonight.  I just don't know where to start.  I guess I'll say that my throat is numb, my body is numb, I feel blank, and I feel nauseated.
I don't know but I'll just write it out.  Maybe something will make sense.  Maybe just a bunch of shit being tossed out. Chayden.  He's almost 5.  Starting Kindergarten this fall.  He's old enough to understand stuff, right?  He's totally smart. Smarter than you'll ever imagine!  He soaks info up faster than a sponge and just memorizes everything in a snap.  My problem is this though.  I can't even believe I'm saying this.  But for months now, Chayden has kept Colton up from sleeping.  Not in a mean way.  He wants to play with Colton so he is always waking Colton (7 months old) and giggling back and forth.  Chayden will draw on walls.  He bites the wood on Colton's crib for shits n giggles and now his brand new, crisp expensive (to us) crib looks like complete shit in just a matter of months.  He hides markers and draws on everything including my Rocking Chair.  Takes food and hides it in his room until we find ants and rotten food.  Chayden, my GOD.  Dear Chayden.  He runs into parking lots faster than a speeding bullet.  I scream at him until my throat swells up because I need him to get back to me before he gets hit by a car.  I mean, that's just the needle prick of the problems.  Are they even problems?  Is this normal for a 4 1/2 yr. old?  Chayden is very sweet, kind, caring.  He just does things that are just ... I don't know ... Like I said, I am numb.  I can't even think of words to say about how I Feel.  I feel like crying.

I was checking email.  Its now 2 hours PAST the boys' bed time and they have been in there the whole time giggling.  I check on them every 10 minutes.  What a waste of time, seriously. Chayden comes out to me and says that Colton spit up.  I check.  No.  Its just wet.  Good night Boys.
10 minutes later. Chayden comes up to me again.  Colton spit up. grrrrrr ... okay.   Turn light switch.  In 10 minutes There is marker and crayon drawings all over the crib and fitted sheet, as well as my glider.  Numb.  Like really?  Really? Then Chayden told me he was spitting in Colton's crib to get him to laugh.  Like what? You joking?  Do I cry, scream in my pillow, run, or gently tell Chayden "oh no dear.".  I stood there and walked out.  I almost fell to the ground thinking that this can't be normal, right?  

You know.  I bet this is no big deal to anybody else.  I bet its silly. I'll think this is silly tomorrow. But I feel bad. Really bad.  I can't help it but I yelled at Chayden about all of this.  This happens to me all day every day.  Can I clock out?  I never get to clock out.  I never get a break. I guess this is what my mother wants from me.  She wants me to fail.  She will be VERY happy to know if I ever fail at being a mother.  Very happy.  I have to prove her wrong and I do, every day.  Its no problem.  But tonight, I'm failing as a mother.  I feel like my mother is right.  That I am worthless and terrible (because I yelled at something so stupid & silly).  If my mom were to ever find out, she'd laugh at me and tell me "yes! go to hell! I won  you piece of shit!"  Damn it.  I'm better than this. I am. I know it.
I thought it my head though that if I continue thinking the things that Chayden does is terrible, then I'm going to turn out like my mother and my kids will cut me from their lives. I need to be calm.  I need to stand back and realize that Chayden is just trying to be silly, sweet and artistic.
I just told Bobby that I am spent.  I am done.  I am done scolding Chayden, putting him in time outs, talking gentle, etc.  Nothing works. Its not a time matter because this has been happening daily, all day, for about a year.  ..almost.  Sometimes I hate staying at home with my kids because like my mother tells me, I am worthless. I am nothing.  My kids don't need me.  I have that etched in my head and its getting to me tonight.  My throat is closing up because I feel like I need to bawl my eyes out.  Scream.  I do feel worthless right now because of thoughts running through my head.  I want to run away. But I can't and I know what Chayden does is normal for a 4 1/2 yr. old, right?
Like I said, I want to run away.  I want to scream.  Maybe I will, in my pillow.    


  1. Ok, before I start- Your NOT failing as a mother. That made me really sad to read that.

    I am not a mother, but I can only imagine how tiring it is.. and how hard. I don't know the relationship you have with your mother, but I have to say, it sounds kind of negative. Maybe if she treats you in a negative way, or says terrible things about you, and your mothering, then maybe you should kind of keep a long long distance from her for a while. Like only talk to her occasionally on big events like Christmas, Mother's Day, Easter, etc. I know that sounds really bad, but if you honestly think she would (Or maybe even has) called you a "Piece of Shit," then I honestly don't think it's healthy for you, or your boys to be around her.

    I keep reading your words at the bottom of your post, "I am worthless. I am nothing." Well, even though I've only just met you, I really feel like your an amazing person.

    Your kids do need you. IF it weren't for you, would they even have a crib? Probably not.. Everything they have, your provide. They need you more then anything in the world!

    Like I said, I don't have any children.. And I know this is wrong.. But if Chayden just won't stop, and he's been doing stuff like this for more then a year.. then maybe you should take a different approach? Like.. Hmm..Take away all of his stuff? Try to explain to him, something like.. Well, you keep writing on the walls, and it costs money to fix that.. So we had to sell your stuff to get it fixed? I'm not sure, and I really wish I could think of a better idea.

    I cry a lot, and just so you know, sometimes it's ok to cry. You just need to let it all out.

    And I know this is weird to put this at the end of this post.. But Google Friend Connect is finally working, and I just wanted to let you know I am following you now.

    You take care, and if you need ANYTHING- Someone to talk to, rant to; Please feel free to email me!

  2. First it is a big deal for any parent :) I was Very much in the same place as you were when my now (12y/o) son was 4. I could be reading something i wrote.

    I have a few things to share. The first is about getting the kids to sleep. For your sanity might I make some suggestions?

    1) Do not put them to bed at the same time. Put Chayden to bed first. Establish a a routine - i.e. bath - PJ's story in bed - calm music (sounds of nature_ - low light lamp. Do not put the baby down until he is asleep. Even if the baby has to go to bed in a playpen in the living room. Stick with it for an exhausting three months.

    Make sure there is NO tv/videogames on in your entire house for at least two hours before bed. It could be stimulating his brain and keeping him from shutting down.

    2) Make an appointment with a pediatrician. Ask about melatonin (can be bought over the counter )for bed time - it is natural and might help.

    *if you don't have medical insurance - ask a local pharmacists about melatonin for your child.*

    Also ask about testing for adhd. Print out what you wrote and bring it with you to show the pediatrician. Even if you don't use medication, knowing what your son is facing will help you to cope. It will also help you learn what parenting strategies will work for your son.

    Not all strategies work for all kids. My son does not learn from a consequence, time out, or punishment. EVER.

    He can learn routine. Consistency, and expecting 8 weeks to learn new routines. I have to walk him through each step for at least two weeks. but once he gets it - then I can back off. It is exhausting - but the long term saving of fighting and issues makes it worth it.

    Even now at age 12 first month of school in a new class is HARD (maybe even hell). By january with a supportive teacher he is 'a joy to have in the classroom'

    3) Give yourself a break. Put him in preschool even once a week. One day usually isn't too expensive. Or hire a mom helper. A young girl to come and play with him for 2 hours while you have a bath.

    4) PREVENTION. Get rid of all the markers. Lock up the crayons and pencils. Put locks on the cupboards. (I even put a lock using double sided sticky tape) on the fridge. Your sanity is not worth it. If your son does have compulsion problems you won't keep him from stealing food. But you can prevent it.

    I hope these few ideas help. I also hope that this helps:

    I was a professional nanny for child psychiatrists and other HIGH profile people. I have early childhood education training. I have managed group homes for high needs adults (autism, down syndrome, angel mans syndrome).

    And I was right where you are. Breaking down when my son was 4. I had to go to the dr for myself as well. The stress caused me to become depressed. Your mother has no idea what she is talking about. What she thinks is her issue.

    Everyone has a pile and yours is about to topple over. ONLY take your stuff into your pile. Let your mom keep hers. When she says stuff- in your head say, 'that is her issue - she can keep it on her pile'.

    You aren't alone :)

  3. First SHAME on your mother. That is an evil woman!! Your children do need you. Every Mom goes through struggles with their kids.
    Mine are in their 30's now so I'm not much help in advice (mostly cause I can't even remember what I did yesterday! Let alone 25 years ago!) But my kids and I! survived and no one is in jail or in a straigh jacket.
    Keep your sense of humor it will get you through all this, because someday it will be funny? Or at least slightly funny.
    Like the post above mine. You aren't alone!!

  4. thanks ladies! today i'm MUCH better! I just had a breakdown last night and had to write it out =] your words were encouraging ladies. I appreciate everything and the time spent in your understanding and caring *hugs* !!